Category: Relationships

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I don’t Feel Right about Marriage

Thank you pastor for this great opportunity. I am in a relationship with a man who brought me to church. He has made a huge impact in my life and has been of help financially. He says he wants to marry me. He is God fearing and a good person but he also wants to marry another woman in the same church I attend. He says that marrying her will secure his business in that country because we (he and I) are both foreigners. He said he would marry me and take me to our real country while he would be doing his business in the other country. Pastor sir, I love him but I don’t feel right about the whole arrangement. What should I do?

~ Blessing

ANSWER

Dear Blessing,

Thank you for your question. The Bible tells us in Genesis 2:18-23 that God made one woman, Eve, to be the wife of one man, Adam. God did not give Adam several wives. God did not give Eve several husbands. You are correct when you say that you do not “feel right about the whole arrangement.” That feeling is from God’s Holy Spirit. It is God Himself that is stirring your heart. You will bring much trouble on yourself if you give in to this proposal. You will also be going against God’s original and best plan for marriage.

Pastor Chris

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Is it ok for my husband to look at personal ads on craigslist?

Pastor Chris,

I have been married for 25 years my husband has committed adultery we have been able to work through it we do Pastor a church and trust God I recently discovered my husband is going on craigslist and he is in the personal add under women seeking men and casual relationship he seems to think this ok because he is just reading but because of his issue with being involved in several affairs i feel like he is wrong for being on this site to me he is cheating once again. please help is this ok according to the word of god.

Answer

Dear Sister Perkins,

It is NOT alright for your husband to be reading such material. Such activity violates Genesis 2:24 which teaches that a husband and wife have an exclusive relationship. By reading such material he is diverting emotional energy to a fantasy world. He is forsaking his God-given marital responsibility to care for your emotional needs. He is selfish and is playing with fire.

The husband/wife relationship is sacred. It was established by God and is an illustration of Christ’s love for the church (Ephesians 5:25-32). Christ loved the church sacrificially (agape). Husbands are to love their wives sacrificially, too.

Your husband needs an accountability group of men that he reports to every week. He has an addiction. People with addictions usually do not overcome their addictive behaviors alone.

A helpful book for both of you to read is Every Man’s Battle: Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time (The Every Man Series)
. I strongly encourage you to get a copy of this excellent book.

Pastor Chris

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Is it wrong for my boyfriend to live with another woman?

Recently I have been needing to ask a strong Christian for their opinion / ideas around a personal issue but have struck out so I thought I might ask the online experts.

My boyfriend and I live on residence at College (university) where we met last year. Next year we will be moving out, separately, with friends (we believe we should not live together before marriage).
However, he has decided to live with one of our mutual girl friends, to which I am not suspicious because I trust them both entirely. My issue comes from the notion that in the future, if / when we are husband and wife, I would not be able to forget that he had another woman fulfilling the duties that his wife should (because I know this girl and she is a very mothering/taking care of a home type) before I would get to.

Is there any credibility to my feeling this way at all and does the bible say anything much about how conservative we should be living before marriage?
For instance, I would never even consider moving out with a man prior to marriage, but nowadays, is it so wrong that he doesn’t think it wrong to live with another woman?

Thanks for your consideration and time,
Anything will help.

God bless,

Rebekah

Answer

Rebekah,

The Bible says that we are to “Abstain from all appearance of evil” (1 Thessalonians 5:22, KJV). For your boyfriend to live in the situation you describe is to violate this verse. Observers would see their living arrangements and assume that intimacies were taking place outside of marriage even if they were in fact not happening. Our witness to outsiders is vital if we want to win them to Christ.

Pastor Chris

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Should I date a bisexual atheist?

HI cHRIS,

i AM A 14 YEAR-OLD CHRISTIAN, AND I FELL IN LOVE WITH THIS NEW GIRL DURING THE SCHOOL YEAR. i FOUND OUT SHE WAS DATING ANOTHER BOY, WHICH SHE LATER TOLD ME DIDN’T WORK OUT. tHEN a LITTLE LATER I FIND OUT SHE’S GAY, WHICH MAKES HER BISEXUAL. SHE’S ALSO AN ATHEIST. i LOVE HER VERY MUCH BECAUSE SHE’S ONE OF THE FEW PEOPLE THAT UNDERSTANDS ME AND MY PERSONALITY, BUT i DON’T WANT THAT TO AFFECT MY RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD. WHAT SHOULD I DO?

Answer

Sam,

It is not wise to date someone who does not share your faith or your values. The Bible says in 2 Corinthians 6:14 (NAS), “Do not be bound together with unbelievers; for what partnership have righteousness and lawlessness, or what fellowship has light with darkness?” Your first priority in life is always your relationship with God. “Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole [duty] of man” (Ecclesiastes 12:13, NIV).

I recommend the book I Kissed Dating Goodbye. It will give you a much needed perspective for Christians in today’s culture.

Pastor Chris

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Am I unwanted because I grew up without friends?

Pastor Chris,

Am i mistake or unwanted because i grew up without friends and my life is always complicated that everywhere i go people don’t like me even at work my bosses don’t like me . What should i do? Am i cursed?

~ Andiswa

 

ANSWER

 

Andiswa,

 

It is a wonderful thing to have a friend. The best friend anyone could ever have is Jesus. He is the one who “sticks closer than a brother” (Proverbs 18:24). The Bible also says that Jesus is a friend to sinners (Matthew 11:19). Jesus will never let you down.

 

I do not think you are cursed. A far as human friendship is concerned we will often be let down and hurt. Everyone I know has been disappointed by others. People can be self-centered and fickle. Sometimes they intentionally hurt us. Other times they are so wrapped up in themselves that they do not realize the hurt they cause others. But it still hurts anyway, whatever the reason.

 

That being said, there are reliable people you can trust to be your true and genuine friend. You just have to find them. Remember, Jesus went out and searched for His disciples. Sometimes we have to go out and search for our friends.

 

How do you find a friend? Here are some ideas:

Be a friend to someone else. Treat someone the way you want to be treated (Matthew 7:12).

Learn to listen to others. Listen more than you talk.

Attend a Bible study group.

Find a lonely person and look for a way to serve him.

Call people by their name when you see them.

Put a smile on your face. Think positive, lovely thoughts (Philippians 4:8).

Go to a retirement center and visit the shut-ins.

Ask your pastor to give you the name of someone who needs a friend.

Write encouragement cards to others who are hurting.

Look around. Others are lonely, too.

A good book on the subject is The Friendship Factor: How to Get Closer to the People You Care for.

 

~ Pastor Chris

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How do I move forward in a Godly way with dating relationships?

Dear Pastor,

 

I’ve been a lover of Jesus since I was 18, and throughout my lifetime God has revealed to me my greatest hangup: relationships. I Personally connect with God through prayer journals & daily bible study. Yet, we all fall short! I Was married for 6 years to the wrong man, and I was given a second chance when he committed adultery. Otherwise, I’d be married still, as I struggle to follow His rules/guidelines for my life. I fell head over heels for The first man who came along. We dated for over a year, but god clearly moved me to end the relationship this past December. I know it was the right thing at the time. However we met yesterday, and he has grown much closer in god. He feels this is why we were supposed to separate. I do love him, but there’s a major catch… I have also developed strong feelings for another man. I never believed people who said they were in love with two people, yet, here I am. I do love both for different reasons. I’ve prayed and prayed, yet I feel as though God wants to teach me through this process. Please share with me advice on how to choose correctly. Since my failed marriage (6 years of emotional/mental torture)… I’m terrified of getting mixed up again! How do I go forward in a godly way?!? Please advise me on the best approach!!!

 

Blessings,

Ann

 

ANSWER

 

Ann,

 

Remember that your first and most important relationship is with the LORD. He is the only one who can satisfy your deepest longings. You must not let any human being pressure you to take any particular path unless the LORD has given you the green light. Anytime the LORD gives you the “go ahead” it will be consistent with Scripture. He will never violate His Word. Until the LORD says “Go” it is far and away best to wait. We make many foolish decisions when we are pressured either by ourselves or by others. King Saul is an example (see 1 Samuel 13:5-14).

 

As to your question concerning love, it is possible to love more than one person. Just ask any mother who has more than one child. God Himself loves the entire world (John 3:16).

 

Remember that love is more than feelings. No one stays on an emotional high. Feelings are like the tide, they come and go and are not always of the same strength. Also, true love requires us to do things that do not feel good (like take a child to the physician for a vaccination). The Bible speaks of this as agape. Agape is sacrificial. Agape puts the needs of the other person before your own. Agape involves commitment. Agape is a choice, an act of the will. Hollywood puts all of the emphasis on the warm, fuzzy feelings of romance. Romance is important but it is not the total experience of love. It is a part, but only a part.

 

Give this issue some time. You have been impulsive in the past and it has gotten you in trouble. Over time you will see both men in a variety of situations. Make the effort to discover their true character and their true heart for Jesus. Clarity will come as you continue to depend on the LORD, asking Him to reveal His will. You do not have to decide today.

 

I’d like to recommend two books to you, both by Dr. James Dobson. He is a respected Christian author and psychologist. You will do well to read them.

Emotions: Can You Trust Them?

Head Over Heels: How to Fall in Love and Land on Your Feet

~ Pastor Chris

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What Do I Do About My Relationship?

Dear Pastor,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year before he broke up with me. I feel like God has more for us but he says he won’t give me another chance. He just won’t forgive and forget. So what should I do?

~Brandy

 
Dear Brandy,

Relationships are a two-way street. Forgive him for not forgiving you and move on with your life.
~Pastor Chris