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How do I move forward in a Godly way with dating relationships?

Dear Pastor,

 

I’ve been a lover of Jesus since I was 18, and throughout my lifetime God has revealed to me my greatest hangup: relationships. I Personally connect with God through prayer journals & daily bible study. Yet, we all fall short! I Was married for 6 years to the wrong man, and I was given a second chance when he committed adultery. Otherwise, I’d be married still, as I struggle to follow His rules/guidelines for my life. I fell head over heels for The first man who came along. We dated for over a year, but god clearly moved me to end the relationship this past December. I know it was the right thing at the time. However we met yesterday, and he has grown much closer in god. He feels this is why we were supposed to separate. I do love him, but there’s a major catch… I have also developed strong feelings for another man. I never believed people who said they were in love with two people, yet, here I am. I do love both for different reasons. I’ve prayed and prayed, yet I feel as though God wants to teach me through this process. Please share with me advice on how to choose correctly. Since my failed marriage (6 years of emotional/mental torture)… I’m terrified of getting mixed up again! How do I go forward in a godly way?!? Please advise me on the best approach!!!

 

Blessings,

Ann

 

ANSWER

 

Ann,

 

Remember that your first and most important relationship is with the LORD. He is the only one who can satisfy your deepest longings. You must not let any human being pressure you to take any particular path unless the LORD has given you the green light. Anytime the LORD gives you the “go ahead” it will be consistent with Scripture. He will never violate His Word. Until the LORD says “Go” it is far and away best to wait. We make many foolish decisions when we are pressured either by ourselves or by others. King Saul is an example (see 1 Samuel 13:5-14).

 

As to your question concerning love, it is possible to love more than one person. Just ask any mother who has more than one child. God Himself loves the entire world (John 3:16).

 

Remember that love is more than feelings. No one stays on an emotional high. Feelings are like the tide, they come and go and are not always of the same strength. Also, true love requires us to do things that do not feel good (like take a child to the physician for a vaccination). The Bible speaks of this as agape. Agape is sacrificial. Agape puts the needs of the other person before your own. Agape involves commitment. Agape is a choice, an act of the will. Hollywood puts all of the emphasis on the warm, fuzzy feelings of romance. Romance is important but it is not the total experience of love. It is a part, but only a part.

 

Give this issue some time. You have been impulsive in the past and it has gotten you in trouble. Over time you will see both men in a variety of situations. Make the effort to discover their true character and their true heart for Jesus. Clarity will come as you continue to depend on the LORD, asking Him to reveal His will. You do not have to decide today.

 

I’d like to recommend two books to you, both by Dr. James Dobson. He is a respected Christian author and psychologist. You will do well to read them.

Emotions: Can You Trust Them?

Head Over Heels: How to Fall in Love and Land on Your Feet

~ Pastor Chris

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Why do I feel a deep connection with someone if homosexuality is unnatural?

Pastor Chris, 

I would like to know if homosexuality is unnatural, why do I feel such a deep connection to someone of the same sex. Recently this guy came up to me and he wanted to get to know me and I said yes. We went out 2 times. It was great. After that I prayed to God to end this relationship because being gay does not fit with the life I have been leading and I don’t want to lose it or the people I’m close to. Miraculously he just stopped communicating with me. Now I feel emptiness, loneliness, and I am emotionally confused. I think about him all the time. I’m crying as I write this. I guess my question is, I just don’t understand how homosexuality is unnatural or a sin when my heart says different. My heart is hurting because I wish I could make a life with this man without being ridiculed and losing everyone I love.

~ Robert

 

ANSWER

 

Robert,

 

Please read this answer all the way through.

 

The Bible is clear about homosexuality. Yes, it is sinful. Romans 1:18-32 leaves no room for doubt. This passage in Romans speaks to the totality of corruption that sin brings as is refers to sins of the heart (v.24-25); sins of the body (v.26-27); and, sins of the mind (v.28-32).

 

Sin is an abomination, an affront to a holy God. There are many forms of it, homosexuality being one of them.

 

Consider what God said to Cain before he went out and murdered his brother Abel, “Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you but you must master it” (Genesis 4:6-7).

 

Anger can lead us into sin. That is what happened to Cain. He allowed himself to dwell on his anger over the fact that God did not look with favor on his offering. He was also angry because God did look with favor on Abel’s offering.

 

Watch out when you are angry. In your case it will be a temptation to be angry with God because He said that humans are not to involve themselves in homosexuality. If you allow yourself to be consumed with anger you will be easy prey for the devil who will increase the temptation to rebel against God.

 

Disappointment can lead you to anger. When we get disappointed with God we can easily get angry with Him. Our disappointment with God has to do with our misunderstanding of God and His ways. This will in turn lead us to not trust Him. Failing to trust God is a dead end.

 

It is much better to trust God and take His laws to heart. Happiness and joy come from submitting yourself to God’s Son, Jesus. Consider these verses:

 

“There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death” (Proverbs 14:12; 16:25, NIV).

 

“Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall” (Proverbs 16:18, NIV).

 

“A wise man fears the LORD and shuns evil, but a fool is hotheaded and reckless” (Proverbs 14:16, NIV).

 

“The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?” (Jeremiah 17:9, KJV)

 

We have choices in life. Sin is a choice.

 

Temptation is not a sin. It is when we give in to temptation that we sin.

 

Your first and primary relationship is with the Lord. “Seek the Lord while he may be found; call on him while he is near. Let the wicked forsake his way and the evil man his thoughts. Let him turn to the Lord, and he will have mercy on him, and to our God, for he will freely pardon. ‘For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,’ declares the Lord. ‘As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts'” (Isaiah 55:6-9, NIV). Human relationships are important, but not as important as your relationship with your Creator.

 

By-the-way, it is normal to have feelings of grief when a friend leaves. Whether that friend moves away or simply discontinues the friendship, grief is involved. It is a loss. Do not confuse feelings of grief with sexuality. I have male friends that I laugh with and speak deeply with at a heart level. This is normal. It is a good thing to have trusted friends of the same gender. Just remember, friendship – yes. Sexual activity – no. Your heart can lie to you. Sexual activity of any kind outside of marriage is forbidden by God. He wired us up and knows how we function best.

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Does God love some people more than others?

Pastor Chris,

 

Does God love some people more than others? It does not say in the bible that he loves everyone the same. I really have been feeling hopeless lately because I feel he does not love me as much as many others – especially my little sister. It’s been tearing me up inside. It just hurts so bad.

 

~ Nichole

 

ANSWER

 

Nichole,

 

God bless you! Yes, He loves you! You will remember John 3:16, “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life” (NIV). The Bible also says that “God is love” (1 John 4:8). It is God’s very nature to love.

 

The problem is with us. We sometimes question God when difficult circumstances invade our lives. Why would He allow us to hurt? Or have problems? Why do others seem to have God’s blessing?

 

Our emotions can lie to us. The enemy, the devil, knows this and will try to get us to live our lives based on feelings. Feelings are strong and very real, but that does not mean they always speak truth.

 

It is important that we saturate our minds with truth. Philippians 4:8 tells us to think about the true things, the noble things, the right things, the pure things, the lovely things, the admirable things, the excellent things, and the praiseworthy things. When we do this we find that our emotions become positive and we feel good.

 

Resist the temptation to compare yourself and your life experiences to others. This is a trap. You cannot know what inner struggles others have, the temptations they face, or what will happen to them in the future. Jesus told Peter not to worry about what He had planned for John (see John 21:21-23).

 

God has a plan. That plan includes you. He doesn’t make mistakes. When we arrive in heaven and experience the glories of our Savior face-to-face along with the joys of eternal life, all of our deepest desires will be fulfilled. Keep following Jesus. You can trust Him.

~ Pastor Chris

 

(For further study see Disappointment with God.)

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How do I live with the wisdom of God?

Pastor Chris,

I’m just wondering what I need to do in order to operate with the wisdom of God. Is it a matter of asking God to give me the spirit of wisdom (Ephesians 1:17) or should I just acknowledge that the wisdom of God (sophia) is already in me and start thanking God for the wisdom availed for me? I am a born again believer in the Lord Jesus Christ.

Thank you for your concern.

~ Daniel

 

ANSWER

 

Daniel,

 

Wisdom is a gift from God. Solomon asked for wisdom (2 Chronicles 1:10) and God gave it to him. In the passage that you refer to (Ephesians 1:17) Paul asks God to give the Christians in Ephesus the Spirit of wisdom and revelation so that they may know Jesus better. Ask God for wisdom and study the scriptures diligently (2 Timothy 2:15). And stay close to Jesus.

~ Pastor Chris

 

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Why does everybody seem to get it and I don't?

Pastor Chris, 

I hate to admit this, but I’m so lost in my life right now and I’ve been struggling with God for about five months now and I don’t understand; all though I try so hard too. I want to believe so bad I get so angry with myself, because the Bible seems so important, but I’m struggling with the fact on How God can see us and know what each one of us are doing. I pray all the time about this, constantly, but I know it’s my own minds problem. I know the Bible states that God is everywhere, but it’s really really hard for me to grasp. Why does everybody seem to get it and I don’t?

~ Jennifer

 

ANSWER

 

Jennifer,

 

Everyone has questions about God. You are not alone.

 

It helps me to read Genesis 1 which describes God as the Creator of everything. I also find my heart renewed in my experience of His majesty when I consider the stars and galaxies of outer-space. The vastness and the complexity of the universe (macrocosm and microcosm) goes beyond the imagination. One of my favorite books on this subject is Powers of Ten: About the Relative Size of Things in the Universe by Phillip Morrison and Phylis Morrison. This book is filled with fascinating photographs of the inner universe and the outer universe that are breath-taking.

 

We are created beings and cannot know everything or even understand everything. Sometimes I think that if God explained everything that even then I would not understand. An imperfect analogy would be a professor of mathematics trying to explain calculus to an infant. The baby is not going to understand. We are infants in these matters.

 

You might consider reading the Bible in a contemporary translation like The Message or The Living Bible. Passages like Genesis 1; Psalm 8; Psalm 148; Revelation 21-22 reveal the majesty of our God and will help you trust Him with the unknowable. The bottom line is this: Jesus Christ is the image of the invisible God (Colossians 1:15). If you want to know what God is like, study the life of His Son.

 

~ Pastor Chris

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CAN JESUS USE ME FOR HIS WORK?

PASTOR CHRIS,

FROM MY WRITING YOU WILL KNOW THAT I AM NOT EDUCATED. CAN JESUS USE ME FOR HIS WORK? I AM HUNGRY FOR HIM. MY WEAKNESS IS TO READ AND UNDERSTAND. PRAY FOR ME TO BE USED BY GOD. THANK YOU MAY THE LORD CONTINUE TO HOLD AND BLESS YOU.

~ NGOZI

 

ANSWER

Ngozi,

 

Yes. God can use you. Moses did not think that God could use him, but He did (Exodus 3-4). Gideon did not think that God could use him, but He did (Judges 6:14-16). Paul thought of himself as the worst of sinners (1 Timothy 1:16) and yet God used him. Peter and John were unschooled (Acts 4:13) and God used them. Offer yourself to God (Romans 12:1-2), give Him the credit, and watch what He will do!

 

A good study for you would be to examine the life of William Carey. A recent book on his life is written by S. Pearce Carey (William Carey’s great-grandson) and is titled William Carey. It will encourage you.

 

~ Pastor Chris

 

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Will I not prosper if I try a bi-curious lifestyle for only a short time?

Pastor Chris, 

In the bible it talks about how a homosexual won’t prosper… due to the fact that god made man and women to reproduce. I am not a homosexual but am just bi-curious. Would I not prosper for trying just to see what its like to be with a man but at the end of life I have a wife and some kids who i am loyal and am faithful to?

 

ANSWER

Dave, The old expression says that if you play with fire you will get burned. You cannot flirt with sin and escape unharmed. God’s grace is not given to us so that we might sample the things that the devil has to offer. Paul writes about it this way:

 

“Shall we sin because we are not under law but under grace? By no means!” (Romans 6:15, NIV).

 

“Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.” But he who unites himself with the Lord is one with him in spirit. Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.” (1 Corinthians 6:15-20, NIV).

 

Let me remind you that curiosity was a factor with Adam and Eve’s sin in the garden. Trust God. Do things His way. He knows what is best for you.

 

For further reading on what it means to walk in grace I recommend The Grace Awakening by Charles R. Swindoll; In the Grip of Grace by Max Lucado; and Captured by Grace by David Jeremiah.

 

~ Pastor Chris

 

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IS MASTURBATION CONSIDERED A SIN?

Pastor Chris, 

IS MASTURBATION CONSIDERED A SIN?

~ Ryan

 

ANSWER

Ryan,

 

Jesus said, “I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:28, NIV). Masturbation involves lust. It is adultery and is therefore sin.

 

For detailed help you might want to get Every Man’s Battle by Stephen Arterburn and Counterattack: Taking Back Ground Lost to Sin by Jay Carty. Both of these books are thorough, practical, and well written.

 

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How do I find a good church home?

Pastor Chris,

 

I am looking for A PLACE WHERE I CAN RESEARCH THE DIFFERENT TYPES OF NON DENOMINATIONAL CHURCHES. ( ASSEMBLY OF GOD. FULL GOSPEL.. WHAT THE DIFFERENCE IS IN ALL OF THESE? AND WHICH ONE OF THEM ARE THE CLOSEST TO RELIGION… WHICH I WANT TO KEEP MYSELF AND FAMILY FAR AWAY FROM.. WHICH ONES ARE GOING TO BE THE CLOSEST TO BEING OPEN TO THE SPIRIT AND IT MEMBERS WORKING AS A BODY AND WITHOUT THE FEELING THAT THEY ARE THE ONLY CHURCH THAT IS RIGHT.. RECOGNIZING IT’S MEMBERS GIFTS AND DEVELOPING THEIR GIFTS IN THE SPIRIT . CHURCHES WHICH DO NOT HINDER THE SPIRIT .. FAR FROM A RELIGIOUS SPIRIT.

~ Cherie

 

ANSWER

Cherie,

 

As I read your email I see that you are already on the right track. Here are some additional thoughts for you to consider when looking for a church home:

Do they accept the Bible as authoritative for all matters of faith and daily living? Joshua 1:8

Do they preach Christ as the only way to God? John 14:6

Do they preach salvation by grace through faith in Christ? Ephesians 2:8-9

Do they seek to share Christ with others both here and around the world? Acts 1:8

Are they a loving fellowship? (love God and love others – Mark 12:30-31)

Do they worship in spirit and truth? John 4:24

Beyond these basics, you can only know a church by actively involving yourself in the life of that congregation. God will give you discernment as you seek His will in this matter. A good book on the subject is Church Membership: How the World Knows Who Represents Jesus by Jonathan Leeman.

 

~ Pastor Chris

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What does Genesis 3:16 mean when it says your desire will be for your husband?

Pastor Chris,

I was reading in genesis about the fall of man. I came across a verse I never noticed before and do not quite understand. I was wondering if you could offer some insight into the meaning of this verse. In genesis3:16, the bible says, “and god said to the woman, ‘your desire will be for you husband but he shall rule over you.'”

I Am very confused as to what this verse is saying about e husbanD/wife relationship.

~ Leanna 

 

ANSWER

Leeanna,

 

You have asked a significant question. I commend you for searching the Scriptures thoughtfully, prayerfully, and diligently.

 

God has perfect relationships within the Trinity. There is perfect communion between Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. When God put Adam and Eve in the garden they had perfect relationships, too. They had perfect communion with each other and with God.

 

Genesis 3:16 comes after Adam and Eve sinned. When they sinned they broke fellowship with God and with each other. Relationships were fractured.

 

Sin carries consequences. Genesis 3:16 speaks to some of the consequences of Adam and Eve’s sin.

 

It is interesting to read how different versions of the Bible translate this verse.

 

And you will desire to control your husband,

but he will rule over you. NLT

 

You’ll want to please your husband,

but he’ll lord it over you. THE MESSAGE

 

Your desire will be for your husband,

yet he will dominate you. HCSB

 

you shall welcome your husband’s affections,

and he shall be your master. TLB

 

Your desire will be for your husband,

and he will rule over you.” NIV

 

When a husband is acting out of his flesh (sin nature) he can become unreasonable and demanding. When a wife is acting out of her flesh she can become controlling (NLT) and can put her husband before God (your desire will be for your husband).

 

In all of life the first priority is God Himself. When that priority is in place we live better, we treat each other better, and we know God’s perfect peace. The Bible says, “live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature”

(Galatians 5:16, NIV).

 

Some good books on the roles and responsibilities of husbands and wives in marriage from a biblical perspective are:

 

Strike the Original Match by Charles R. Swindoll

 

Different by Design by John MacArthur, Jr.

 

Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs

 

His Needs, Her Needs by Willard F. Harley, Jr.

 

The 5 Love Languages by Gary D. Chapman

 

God bless you!

~ Pastor Chris